1. Don’t worry bruh – here’s a manly fist bump to cancel out that semi-emotional moment we just shared. It should eradicate any hint of intimacy or human connection that you have confused with butt-sex.
2. Anything else but THAT be cool. It’s never “no rapist” or “no woman-beater,” but instead the scariest, most destructive abomination of all things holy – HOMO.
3. Tattoo this phrase upon your arm so your masculinity does not confuse itself.
4. When they find your shriveled body in a plastic-coated home that smells of your age and close-mindedness, the paramedics will see your ink and know – for sure – that you were definitely straight.
5. All you did was touch my shoulder. Have we grown so tombstone that contact between bodies forces us to recoil into ourselves?
6. Dude, I know your dog is male, but unnecessary. You touched his balls by accident. He’s a puppy. He gets excited. He knows nothing of our social constructs.
7. The root word “homo” actually means “same.” So yes, we are different because I seem to focus on differences a lot less than you.
8. Would you like it if people went around saying “No Guido” every time they ate pasta? Or if they said “No Meathead” anytime something scared or confused them?
9. New Game: Every time you say that phrase, ten minutes tied to a chair while my queer friends from Greenwich Village pour champagne over your shirtless body and dance provocatively to house music.
10. If you’re going to put “NO” in front of a word, let it be “COURAGE.”